Aphrodisiac

The phone rings.

I wait impatiently, he picks up and says, hello. 

That is all it takes. He speaks, I respond, but in truth, I am lost. 

The timber in his voice is melodious, the base tones thrum through my senses, reverberating in every atom of my being.

Yes, I am in love, with you, with your voice. 

I am addicted to it.

I want you to say my name. You never do.

I want you to sing to me. You shy away.

I want to hear you speak. You never say much.

Your voice teases me,  tests me, draws me in and then pushes me out, it tantalises my very being.

It is, my aphrodisiac.

The right way

Found this story when i was cleaning up my hard disk.

I can't believe i still have it. 
Sometimes when you look at old stuff, you are reminded of how pure and naive you used to be, and yet at times in the naivety is hidden the essence to finding peace.
Love will keep us alive... 

This was written specifically for and AIDS awareness competition. 

The rain was pouring down in torrents on the road leading up to the hill, it was around six o’clock in the evening and the road was busy with people returning from work. The buses were as usual driven up and down the road with the most dangerous turns. Asmita was coming home from work, she was very happy since she had got her salary today. She was 26 years old working as a junior undersecretary to the proprietor of a very large firm. She was about 5 feet and 6 inches in height, fair with dark curls falling gracefully around her face. It seemed like a perfect day for her except for the rain, she was having a lot of problem driving.

                                                            It happened in a flash, a bus came speeding around a hairpin turn and rammed into her second hand Maruti 800 She was thrown out of her car through the windscreen. A crowd gathered around her bleeding body she felt a haze of colour and voices around her and finally lost consciousness. When she woke up she found herself lying in a hospital with her head covered in bandages and a slight prickling sensation in her arms. Her mother was talking to a man near the door. Her brother Rajat however was right by her side and greeted her with a watery smile. 

                                                           Asmita was discharged in a fortnight from the hospital and only the marks of her bruises remained. Her fiancé Rajesh came to meet her and take her out on a welcome home dinner. Life seemed to be falling back into place. Everything had become normal again or so it seemed for a while. 

                                                          A few weeks after Asmita returned from the hospital, she fell seriously ill. The doctor suggested a blood test and when the reports came everyone was shocked. Asmita was HIV positive. The whole world began to crumble around her. Misfortune seemed to be poring in from all directions. First she was thrown out of her job, then Rajesh broke the engagement. She was ridiculed and insulted and so was her family. It became a torture for them even to step out of the house. They say that family is one’s greatest strength and that strength did not forsake her. With the help of Rajat and her best friend she started up a counseling center for HIV positive patients. Her business flourished and life was taking her down a new path. She worked rentlessly to create awareness about HIV and AIDS. 

                                                    

In one year through donations and help from friends she brought a small place and furnished it. This she made a home for people who were HIV positive and whose families had abandoned them. There were about 50 residents in that place and she had a few helpers. She decided to call it ‘Swarg’ which means heaven.

A year passed and during that time she had become very friendly with one of the residents. His name was Arun. He was smart, handsome and a year or so senior to Asmita. Gradually they began to nurture a certain fondness for each other. Finally one day Arun asked Asmita for her hand in marriage. At first Asmita was apprehensive but later she agreed. They decided to adopt a boy Ashish as their son who was a new resident. The marriage was a quiet affair and it was a happy marriage.                       

                                                             Asmita and Arun worked rentlessly for the cause of HIV affected people. They managed to get a bigger place for the residents of Swarg and many people were also joining them or working with them as part time helpers. They started another association called Prem, wherein they informed people about various aspects of AIDS and how HIV positive people should be treated. Through this organization they also collected funds to run Swarg.

                                                             Seven years had passed since Arun and Asmita’s marriage. Both of them were very weak and often fell ill. Another 3 months passed and Arun, Ashish and Asmita fell seriously ill. Ashish passed away first, then Arun after two days. On the third day of her illness Asmita called on Rajat and requested him to take care of Swarg and Prem. She then passed away in her beloved brother’s arms.

                                                             Twelve years have passed since. Rajat lived up to his sister’s expectations. Swarg and Prem were now a few of the many organizations started by him. In front of each organization were placed marble slabs of Asmita and Arun’s words:-

All that we ask for is love

For love will keep us alive.

Rajat got married and has a job but still his first priority is the institution set up by his sister. He makes it a point to visit me every Saturday and take regular reports of our activities. I am the chairman of ‘Gardens of Eden’ which is the name given collectively to all of the organizations. I keep telling Rajat to be on the lookout for another person for this post since it is not long before I too join Asmita and Arun since I am HIV positive too. I hope that after reading this you too will come forward and do something for the cause of HIV affected people because: -

All that we ask for is love

For love will keep us alive.

                          

As narrated by –

Dhruv

Moments

She: What can I do you for?
He: Love
She: You are expensive.
He: Why?
She: Love is priceless....

And they woke up in each others arms everyday after that.

Despite, Because & Bitchface

A few days ago , i met you, i liked you and then the whole world assumed we were in love... those who knew me thought you were in love with me, those who knew you thought i was in love with you... those who knew us, well they knew the right thing to do was shut up.

Then you asked me; "Are you falling for me?"

And i said: "I don't know"

when what my cheeky flirty self honestly wanted to say was: "Would it be such a bad thing if i was?"

and follow with a stick my tongue out and giggle at my own jokes routine (yes! I'm aware i do that, and did you and the devil think you were the first two geniuses who caught that *insert raised eyebrow*)

But that got me thinking and i defined it in multiple ways. We even spoke about it, i spoke of it to my friends, got perspectives and got confused until you defined it in a simple sentence:

"What makes you want to stay in a relationship?"

And that was all it took... 

In that instant Clarity happened.

I thought about it for a while and believe me when i say a while, the stupid thing was constantly playing on my mind.

I even came to a point where i thought that maybe i was incapable of love. That i was a stone cold bitch who just liked people but found nothing good enough to tie me down. 

It was in that moment of indifference that the answer hit me, and boy did it hurt . 

The answer i'll come to, but first: the reason why it hurt: I was so lost in though that i wasn't looking where i was going and i rammed face first into the door without opening it. (which could also be attributed to my recent exhaustion at your fan-club presidents birthday celebrations, but it sounds cooler making me look pensive like a Socrates wannabe *insert giggle at my own joke*)

Okay here's the answer *insert drum-roll* 

The great awakening as i like to call it was this:

I was looking for reasons to tie me down, in my thoughts it was always a 

"I would stay back/ I love someone because _____"

but when it comes to someone loving me or falling for me the thought in my head goes:

"i want them to love me despite ________"

And that my dear is the answer...

I will have fallen for you when i want to be with you despite _____________________ 

thank you for helping me get here on my personal journey.

But no i don't love you. Not yet at least. 

There are far too many "beacuses" and just one "despite" which is the fact that you are a bitchface. *insert narrowing eyes with a giggle waiting to happen*

When the despites exceed the beacauses i will come to you and tell you that i have fallen for you.

Until then i look forward to our "relationship" if you will have it the way it is.

And i wonder if i ever crossed your mind....

So here i am.. looking at a pic of us... thinking of that night you came home... when we lay in each other's arms.. in perfect silence... it felt right... i felt complete... your breath on my neck... your weight on me felt wonderful... i couldn't have slept better than that night...

But...

That's all i'll get....
That's all i'll live with...
That feeling will be enough...
Don't wanna break your heart or mine...

And then i'll watch you grow, laugh, have a blast and i'll smile....
I'll grow, i'll laugh and i'll live and you'll be my homing beacon...

I'll never kiss you...
You'll never want to...

then you'll find her..
and i'll find him...

but...

every night i go to bed, i'll remember that one night, when you smelt divine, we were in each others arms, your weight on me and you breath against my neck...

I'll smile for no reason...
He'll ask me why?
And i'll say...
"There are moments of perfection in life, some grow into beautiful stories, others are so perfect that you're almost afraid to change them even a little bit, so you live them and you let them go... Many year later you still think of them and then wish you'd given them a chance and watched them grow... I don't intend to let fear decide for me anymore..."
And i'll kiss him with a tear in my eye as my soul speaks your name but i'm in his arms...

He is perfect but he's not you.

And she doesn't even know how lucky she is....

The music sways my senses, as your deep yet gentle voice cajoles the song in a unique tune...
Not to the song of course, as usual you reinvent the tune but nevertheless it never loses its soul...

Your musk scent putting me at ease as it cradles my senses...
As I lose myself in that moment of peace.
Feeling your presence next to me is more than enough.
Just knowing you're around makes me feel loved.

And then the reality strikes like a sharp blade slicing through my heart
The mirror of dreams shatters...

Each song to me is you.
a moment with you, a memory of you, a feeling you made me feel, a thought of you.
Every beat, every lyric, every tune leading up to you...

And then I wonder if you play them for me or in her memory...
Do i even exist in your vocabulary?

I dare not ask, for fear of losing even the little that i have
For even if it is a dream it is enough to keep me alive....

So fare thee well for the day...
I shall still wait for you in the cloak of the night under the bright moonlight
As the sandman brings me your portrait in my dreams...

Right Or Wrong?

Anger, is the first reaction…

But it is the hurt, the resentment and the pure revulsion that follows which is driving me nuts…

I want to be a good person…

I want to help, I want to do the right thing, but that’s just it isn’t it….

How do you know what the right thing is?

When do you draw a line between being selfish and being right?

When do you know the difference between taking the easy way out over taking the right way out?

When do go from being a helping hand to a hindering support?

Listen to your heart and you will know they say….

But what if the heart is just as confused as the head?

There are always opinions, religious, cultural, logical explanations on both sides of the argument.

It’s like saying the solider fighting against me is not a bad person, he’s just doing his job.

I have looked outside and I have looked within…

Maybe I’m not capable of looking deep enough to find the answer…

Taking things in stride as they crash over me like powerful waves of realization over and over again, that’s the only solution I have now…

But will I be too late until the answer comes to me?

Will my guilt and my revulsion have achieved their purpose?

Or will there always be hope for redemption?

We shall wait and watch as time tells it’s tale….