Right Or Wrong?

Anger, is the first reaction…

But it is the hurt, the resentment and the pure revulsion that follows which is driving me nuts…

I want to be a good person…

I want to help, I want to do the right thing, but that’s just it isn’t it….

How do you know what the right thing is?

When do you draw a line between being selfish and being right?

When do you know the difference between taking the easy way out over taking the right way out?

When do go from being a helping hand to a hindering support?

Listen to your heart and you will know they say….

But what if the heart is just as confused as the head?

There are always opinions, religious, cultural, logical explanations on both sides of the argument.

It’s like saying the solider fighting against me is not a bad person, he’s just doing his job.

I have looked outside and I have looked within…

Maybe I’m not capable of looking deep enough to find the answer…

Taking things in stride as they crash over me like powerful waves of realization over and over again, that’s the only solution I have now…

But will I be too late until the answer comes to me?

Will my guilt and my revulsion have achieved their purpose?

Or will there always be hope for redemption?

We shall wait and watch as time tells it’s tale….

You

There is you and then there is you...

And i long for you, and i run from you...

And sometimes you seem perfect, and you always seem an unattainable dream...

And you will wait for me, and long for me, and i won't even cross your mind....

And you repent, and you are blind...

And you are aware, and you are oblivious...

And you are lonely, and you are never alone...

And you infuriate me, and only you can make me laugh...

And you are the bard, and you are gravity...

And then there is me...

And there is faith and hope and wishes and dreams...

And then there is you and then there is you...

One more night

And in a few hours the sun will rise and the night will recede to the shadows, and another day would have passed.

It's been a year, maybe a little longer and how we all have changed. I have seen 3 receptionists change at the front desk.

I have seen my friends and people I respected and hoped to learn from quit

I saw people leave before I ever got a chance to get to know them...

I saw surprise weddings happened and more wedding bells are on their way...

I saw a partner in crime moved on to bigger and better things...

I saw young-lings prove their mettle...

I got conceited, i realized, i was ashamed, i am back...

I saw my friend go from insane dwane to Munnabhai MBBS...

And I Saw YOU and I saw MYSELF

How the childlike spark has gotten buried deeper....

How a playful smiles have been replaced by just smiles of happiness and moments of peace...

How our big innocent eyes have grown mature and focused...

How those childish moments in our lives diminish...

How we've come closer, How we've grown apart...

The rift seems to only widen...

And soon another night will pass, and here i will be, as for you...

I shall watch the horizon, i shall rejoice the signs, i will believe, i will have faith, i will wish...

I will wait...

Will you? or will I?

And another night passes passes us by....

Give me strength for just one more night....

Just one more night to wish, to watch, to hope....

Debutante

When I was little girl I would stand by the balconies and watch the ladies with lords of different lands as they spun gracefully in their flowing gowns and grandiose jewels and I couldn’t wait to grow up, to come of age, to be a debutante...

Today here I am, my heart races as I get set to take my first steps into the society...

Today I shall waltz, today I shall hold conversations, today I shall charm with poise, grace and beauty...

Today I shall look to the balconies, and bid farewell to the little girl that was I...

I grew up watching him spar and fence, I grew up watching him grow, stand tall and rise gloriously. Today here he is, kneeling with a corsage...

The music starts, he leads me through, I hold my head high, I recollect all the rules, I remember all the steps and then he looks into my eyes with a gentle smile...

In that moment, in that step, one barrier breaks, warmth washes over me, as the moon of the winter solstice suddenly gleams brighter...

The music ends we all bow, clap and then he requests another dance...

The evening follows each dance after another, breaking barriers a dance at a time, the demure smiles growing to chuckles and unabashed laughter...

Flushed cheeks, sparkling eyes, a gentle heave and the tango ends...

He leads me away to the gardens, conversations grow to moments...

A gaze that lasts, just long enough for Fort-Knox to fall...

A hasty retreat, a proper farewell...

Now begins, the unending wait for the 'morrow, when he shall return, or shall he?

Questions

Every second we end up making decisions about every little thing, we don't even realize the number of decisions we take in a minute. For instance i just took a decision to write about questions and i decided to start it with decisions and i decided to type it now but format it later however, correct my spellos in process. phew!! that's enough decisions for 1 minute don't u think?

Every decision however is based on the fact that there is a choice and hence a question. Questions are the bane of my existence I am somehow forever stuck answering people all around. Be it giving reasons, justifying myself or explaining things, been there and done it all. Sometimes people call me an insufferable know it all but i can't help but answer if i know, or question if i don't...

Questions are a funny thing, they can put you at peace if answered satisfactorily, they can raise doubts if answered with assumptions, they can be a cause of great worry if not answered and they can cause anger or disappointment if met with ignorance. A fantastic gamete of emotions for something we have been doing subconsciously since or birth.  

It still however isn't the answer that matters, but the question. It is always what the question is? Why it even arose? how could it have been avoided? why wasn't it answered before it as asked? what led to the thought that gave birth to this question? 

Every question leads to another question and son on and so forth... so does every lie... so does that make a question a lie? Then what does this equation make answers? Do answers even matter? Just in the same manner that a truth told after several lies doesn't...

Then what is point of all the questions we ask each day? What do we achieve? Answers? direction? the truth? a higher sense of being? Or is it just a petite human reason like personal satisfaction...

Go figure...

--
Carivoyance

Dreams

"A dream is a wish you heart makes when your fast asleep"

One of my favorite Disney classics of all times. There are so many things that come to mind when one says's dreams.

An image of self:

"I'm gonna be this!" it's the first time a dream takes shape. The first sentence that begins the definition of self. An image of who we are or what we want to be. We are so passionate about it and so sure that this is definitely it! and every single time this sentence is repeated it is a new facet we discover. Dream is a journey to the realization of self though analysis driven by passion and interest.

A wish:

A place, an object even a person can be a wish. We always dream about it. We imagine our life with the wish coming true. The implications yet again driven by wishful thinking and blinded by passion. I use the word passion again because we are so charge and euphoric and attracted to it that we hinder any other result save for the one we perceive to be the one coming true.

A Subconscious thought:

Something we see, someone we meet, a though process, an idea, a minute observation made anything that we interacted with directly or indirectly that sticks. It first takes the form of words then images. This is fueled by a natural human gift of a fertile imagination. People may disagree and say i know people who can't think outside the box, i say it's those ones who have the most magnificent dreams but yet can't remember them since they are classically conditioned and programmed to not explore.

Past lives:

In school there was a fad that suddenly came up that dreams are visions we have of our past lives. I found that so intriguing that i actually read up all sorts of books on understanding dreams and the works of the subconscious mind. Granted, it may be 'mystical' art but i don;t think i was cut out for it. My dreams go left right and center across peoples and places and it is so hilarious the conclusions i drew. For those who may be experts in the art a few comments to this posts would be sincerely appreciated so as help me introspect my current and/or past life.

Premonition:

A million times it has happened with me. 'Deja Vu' ! i have been in circumstances wherein i'm so sure i have seen a situation or a place before. It is scary and wondrous all at the same time. The fact so remains that yes we do use 100% of our brain subconsciously. Also that we have an immense potential within us to change the tides of the future or craft them to our will.

So what is a dream? is it a wish, a thought a premonition or an image of self or is it something completely unique that transcends all explanation whatsoever? 

One of the many mysteries of life -  Dreams.... !

Choices

It always gets worse before it gets better... Didn't know the meaning of this phrase until of late.

Things did get worse... but they are getting better...

Found the one person who i love and who loves me back the way i  want to be loved back.

The financial pressures though not over are now no longer in anyone else's hands but mine.

It's getting tough, i have to be strong for the one i love. I even made a choice to prioritize family over career, it may seem messed up but it makes me happy. I have at least enough confidence to believe that i will do something with my life even if my current professional life spins out of control. 

Choices are a funny thing, you never know if you've made the right one. You just have to have faith in yourself and believe that you have. I believe that the right choice is the one that brings peace eventually.